Woman, thy name is Vanity

Deep down in our hearts, every woman is vain, to a certain extent. Anyone who says she isn't, is a rare specimen indeed.

From young, one can see a little girl wanting to dress like mummy, clomping in mummy's high heels and even using mummy's lipstick. Sound familiar? We've all been through this stage and we've seen it in our children and grandchildren. This is a trait inherent in us women.

I remember when I was in lower secondary school, I discovered that I was short-sighted and had to wear spectacles. I hated the unfamiliar frames resting heavily on the bridge of my nose and its arms curling behind my ears. To make things worse, my father said that I looked like Micky Mouse!

I never forgot his comment and it really mortified me. Whenever I could, I would take off my glasses and walk around with the world in a blur. I preferred that to looking like Micky Mouse.

When I went overseas for my teacher-training, I took the opportunity to don contact lenses. In those days the contacts were hard lenses that covered the whole eye and it took quite a while for my eyes to get acclimatised to wearing them. But my vanity was appeased. I no longer looked like Micky Mouse. I looked pretty.

I used contact lenses for more than 40 years, relishing the comfort of soft lenses when they became available. No one was the wiser when they looked at me. To everyone I had good eyesight. I didn't need glasses. I could even read without reading glasses.

Unfortunately my eye problems later necessitated the use of hard lenses because of the eyedrops I have to use. Now I can't even use contact lenses anymore and alas! I'm back to looking like Micky Mouse!! Ugh!

Why? What happened? Well, I'm a glaucoma patient and have been since my teen years. I know it is a disease that older people contract but I got it when I was seventeen and praise the Lord, it was discovered when I was a college student in the UK.

I had been getting very severe headaches and the college nurse came to get me to see the visiting doctor. I was walking behind her when suddenly I couldnt see where I was going. She turned round to find me among the rose bushes and quickly got me to the sick bay where the doctor immediately had the college van rush me to the eye hospital in Wolverhampton. It was a medical emergency and I was very afraid because I could hardly see anything, even when someone right before me asked me how many fingers I could see.

Glaucoma was diagnosed and I was hospitalised. Treatment was in the form of eyedrops and onion soup. I was in and out of hospital for three months because of the headaches.

I have closed angle glaucoma where the eye pressure increases suddenly and there is severe pain (headaches), nausea and blurred vision. If left untreated, blindness results within one to two days.

What is glaucoma? It is often known as the thief of sight because there are no symptoms. The eye has two chambers and the fluid in the anterior chamber is usually drained as quickly as it forms. When the fluid is not drained, the pressure builds up in the eye. The increase in pressure causes damage to the eye and the optic nerve and leads to blindness if not treated.

In glaucoma patients, eyedrops are prescribed to lower the pressure but sometimes they do not bring the pressure down to an acceptable level and surgery has to be done. There is laser surgery where the laser burns holes so that the fluid can drain easily and there is also the non-laser surgery where a hole is made so that the fluid can drain from the eye.

I've had both types of surgery. The laser burned three holes in my left eye while my right eye now has two holes made(I've had 2 operations) to drain the fluid. Because of these surgical procedures, I'm not allowed to use contact lenses anymore for fear of bacteria entering the eye through these holes.

So I've no choice but to look like Micky Mouse again. Ugh! Such a blow to my vanity as I swear wearing glasses adds years to me. I've always looked younger than my age and now my eyes have to peer from behind glasses. Sigh... BUT, there's something that cannot be taken away and that is my DIMPLE, which everyone remembers. They can forget how I look like but they never forget my dimple! Hee..hee... hee!

So therein is the salvaging feature. My dimple! According to the Chinese, having a dimple indicates that one is a good imbiber of liquor. One can drink and drink! I remember my father used to give me cherry brandy when I was young and I enjoyed it very much. I could drink and not get dizzy. However it wasn't the case later because I suddenly developed an allergy to liquor!! I couldn't even have a glass of wine without breaking into rashes.

So here's to women, to my fellow sisters, enjoy your looks, smile and SMILE, for a smile is like a magnet. It brings you friends and happy company.

Tweet

Are there favorites in a family?

From the point of view of a mom, I think this is highly unlikely. Unlikely, mind you, meaning that possibly, some parents do favor a child over the others.

Speaking for myself, I love all my three children equally; I love them very much. They were given the same opportunities and they have made the best of what they have been given, praise the Lord.

In some families the youngest has always been the favored and pampered one, spoiled by parents and the older siblings, especially if there is a big gap between the youngest and the one before. In some very traditional Asian families, the boys are still favored over the girls.

To the Chinese, the boy carries the family name, so they are preferred. Girls marry out of the families and belong to the family they marry into. It was because of this that in the past, families did not see there was any necessity of sending girls to schools. There are still many women in Asian societies who have not been schooled and they are at a disadvantage. They have no marketable skills should anything happen to their husbands.

These days, people are enlightened enough not to discriminate between boys and girls and they are given equal opportuniies, thanks to the policy of free school education. Some parents have even taken another step forward, i.e. to keep the cord blood of the newborn so that it can be used in the future should the need arise in a medical situation.

I just completed reading a book by Jodi Piccoult entitled "My Sister's Keeper" where a baby was conceived so that she would be a perfect match for her older sister who had been diagnosed with a form of terminal cancer.

Here we have a child not conceived out of love per se but as a donor to keep her sister alive. It is a very interesting and compelling read as issues were raised, such as the child's right to her body. Her mother was making all the decisions to have her donate blood, bone marrow, etc from the time she was born ( her cord blood was used to save her sister )until she became a teenager and she decided that enough was enough. She took out a law suit against her parents for "medical emancipation" as she felt she was entitled to make the decision whether or not she wants to continue to donate her tissues, blood, etc to her sister and not on her mother's say so.

This is a story but in real life I believe there are cases where out of desperation, a child has been conceived to help another sibling as siblings are deemed to be better matches than strangers.

Is this morally acceptable? Is it ethical for the doctors to put a healthy child at risk ( in certain procedures )in order to save another? Does this show that the parents love this second child less and perceives her just as a donor to be used? Will this child grow up to see herself as serving only the single purpose of being her sibling's life buoy? Do parents have the right to use a child in this way?

In other situations where there is a severely handicapped child, parents often focus on this child to the exclusion of the others. Sacrifices are made to ensure the well-being of the handicapped child, sometimes at the expense of the other children. Would this be considered favoritism?

On the other hand, a handicapped child is sometimes hidden away as he could be an embarassment to the family and side-lined. Or a gifted sibling may be given all the attention and opportunities to further excel while his not-so-smart brother may be left to his own devices. Could he feel unwanted and useless because he is not as smart as his brother?

Perhaps we as parents should stop and take stock from time to time. Are we doing the right thing for each child and in his best interests? It would take some soul searching.

Tweet

Don't Animals Have Rights Too?

This afternoon I had lunch with my very dear friend whom I have not seen for at least a couple of months as we were both busy, she with her work and I with a host of things that retirees normally find themselves doing.

She briefed me about the difficult time she and her friends at the SPCA were having in trying to get a piece of land so that they could build an animal shelter for stray and abused animals.

Somehow, animals are not well-treated in our country. There are many strays scavenging for morsels of whatever is edible in rubbish dumps. Why do we have so many strays?

Some have been wilfully abandoned by their heartless owners when they move into apartments, while others were irreponsible and didn't spay their animals when the litters increased. What most of these people do is to dump the animals far away enough so that they would not be able to find their way back.

My friend has been busy looking for homes for the strays and feeding them as she could not bear to see them go hungry. I could not help by taking in any because I'm often away. Some animals had been tied up for days and left out in the merciless sun while a mother cat and her kittens were thrown away at the rubbish dump.

Surely animals have the right to live, to be fed and housed. They have the right to be treated humanely especially if they have been reared. I find it very distressing to hear my friend telling me of the way strays are caught and caged and then put down, not by humane means such as being put to sleep by vets, but by being bashed to death, or poisoned. My brother's dogs were poisoned too, along with the strays that he had been feeding everyday.

Such a disregard for God's creatures only reflects on humans, especially those who have abandoned their dogs, and those who abuse their pets.

Do you believe in karma? Well, these inhuman people will one day get their come-uppance. Maybe they will be reincarnated as dogs or cats and share the same fate that they have doled out to their animals.

Happy are the animals that have loving owners and good homes where they are cherished and well-looked after. Sometimes these animal lovers go overboard. I have been told of rich people who house their dogs in air-conditioned comfort. Their kennels are air-conditioned!


A little bit of the milk of human kindness will go a long way. Children should be taught from young to value all forms of life and to treat their pets well. The old can also derive companionship from animals. In fact the company of animals has been found to be therapeutic for those who are ill and lonely.

Dogs are said to be man's best friend but unfortunately, many have ended up at the table, especially in Asia, where dog meat is a delicacy as it is believed to be "warm" and thus good for health.


I sincerely hope that my friend will find someone kind enough to donate a piece of land so that an animal shelter can be built for these poor abused and abandoned creatures. Any form of help is most welcome.

Tweet

Merry Christmas!

Today is Christmas and I'd like to share a few things which woke me up during church service this morning. I don't mean that I sleep through church service, but I'm guilty of nodding off at times when the pastor gets too academic.

The message of Christmas was interesting. He asked what Christmas is and he played a song. His message was simple. He said that Christmas is Christ who was born to save our souls and He died for us and was resurrected in full glory. So Christmas is redemption. Pastor included in the program a letter and wish list he believed that Jesus might have written about Christmas.

This is what I would like to share here as the wish list is very pertinent today and would make a good change from the endless rounds of partying and feasting to commemorate Christmas. I'm sure Christ would be appalled at the way we pig out at the buffet spreads whether in the hotels or in friends' homes without a thought for those who have nothing.

I'm being selective about the items in the wish list and I'm quoting the pastor here:

1. Do you know that someone in your town will attempt to take their own life this
season because they feel so alone and hopeless? Since you don't know who that
person is, try giving everyone you meet, a warm smile; it could make the
difference.

2. There are inidividuals and whole families in your town who not only will have no
Christmas tree, but neither will they have any presents to give or receive. If
you don't know them, buy some food and a few gifts and give them to a charity
which believes in Me( Christ ) and they will make the delivery for you.

3. Pick someone that has hurt you in the past and forgive him or her.

4. Visit someone in a nursing home. You don't have to know them personally.They
just need to know that someone cares about them.

5. Instead of giving your children a lot of gifts you can't afford and they don't
need, spend time with them. Tell them the story of My birth ( Christ's ) and why
I came to live with you down there. Hold them in your arms and remind them that
I love them.

6. If you want to make a statement about your belief in and loyalty to Me, then
behave like a Christian. Don't do things in secret that you wouldn't do in My
presence. Let people know by your actions that you are one of mine. (Christ's)
Don't forget; I am God and can take care of Myself. Just love Me and do what I
have told you to do. I'll take care of the rest.

I believe that Christmas is a time of caring, giving and sharing, giving of our time and gifts. They don't have to be big expensive gifts. As in the wish list above, it could be help rendered in many ways, the gift of yourself when you share your time with the needy and less fortunate. It could be a service that you could offer, like helping out at children's homes or homes for the handicapped that are always in need of volunteers. If you are wealthy, you could give donations to the Homes or you could also give the orphans a treat or sponsor children's developmental needs. How much more meaningful these acts are when compared to just paying lip service at Christmas time such as giving bigger offerings and shaking hands and singing songs.

However, all these don't have to be done only during the Christmas season (the ten days of Christmas). In fact every day can be Christmas when it comes to caring and sharing. It is also a time for counting our blessings and thanking the Almighty for a new day every morning.

Merry Christmas, peace and goodwill among men. Have a joyous day and connect.

Tweet

Of the Past and Present

I remember discussing relationships with my students a long time ago during one of our English Literature lessons. With the advent of computers, emails and texting on mobile phones, I wonder if relationships today can match with those of past years.

Take friendship for example. Those forged in schools either survive into our adulthood or die a natural death over time. Friendships need to be nurtured so that they mature into a different level, where you can count on a friend when you are in need. Such close true friends, as Laertes in "Hamlet" said, " grapple them to thy soul with hooks of steel..".

Family relationships are different as these are ties of blood. Nevertheless, there are different shades of closeness among family members, especially if one is from a big family.

I remember my mother, with ten children, each a year apart, would task each of us to look after a younger sibling.
I also remember that during the school holidays, we were sent to our grandparents. My brother and I were packed off to the countryside to stay with our paternal grandmother while four other siblings were sent to our maternal grandmother. One remained with her. At that time there were only weven of us. So naturally,the four would be closer to each other than to my brother and I, who are very close.

Life in the countryside with my grandmother was very different. During the day, my brother and I had to be outside the house to frighten away the hawks that threatened to swoop down on the chickens and ducks that she reared. We would jump and shout when we saw a hawk. We also had to go chilli-picking in the small-holding where she lived. She had coconut trees, some coffee plants, banana trees, mangosteen and rambutan trees, chilli plants and she also reared pigs.

We had to help our uncle clean out the pigsty in the morning and then help him to chop up the banana stems, mix it with something and then feed the swill to the pigs.
We also had to mash up the dried coconut residue (they came in round flat slabs) and mix it with water to feed the ducks. It was fun collecting the eggs after hearing the hens cackle. My uncle also taught us how to look at the eggs by candlelight to check whether they could hatch into chicks.

Our drinking water had to be ferried in jerry cans from a relative's house a few miles away.My uncle used to carry two jerry cans on the back of his bicycle and sometimes I got a ride with him sitting on the bicycle bar in front of him. This rich relative had a big brick bungalow with piped water and electricity. We got our drinking water from his taps. A well provided for the rest of our needs.

Nights were not pleasant as there was no electricity and we had to use the hurricane lamp. We slept on raised wooden platforms built on the mud floor. We had to barricade ourselves in because it was the Emergency period when there were communists and we could not have any lights on after dinner so as not to attract any unwelcome attention. I could hear gunshots occasionally and it used to frighten me. I would never dare to go to the toilet which was an outhouse quite far away behind the house and it was just a hole in the ground. Each time it was full, my uncle would dig another hole and move the outhouse. We used the chamber pots at night.

Later we moved in to stay with our maternal grandmother because we had to sell our house to pay for the funeral expenses for our paternal grandmother. From then on, all of us became closer and to this day all of us are very close to one another.

We meet in Kuala Lumpur to celebrate the Chinese New Year annually but of late, not all the family members gather for the occasion.Those whose children are overseas go to visit them and a couple have migrated. It is too far a journey to come back every year but we do keep in touch by phone and email as well as Facebook.

The webcam, Facebook, texting, etc have made a great impact on relationships today. Distance is no barrier now because we can see and talk to one another whereas in the past, when these wonders of technology hadn't existed, the only means of communication was through the mail and very occasionally by telephone as the charges were exorbitant.

Somehow siblings have closer relationships but the significant others are sometimes more distant. Perhaps the integration was not there and besides they come rom different backgrounds and culture. Parents are usually the cement holding everyone together. Painful though it is, the passing of parents often leads to a loosening of family ties. I sometimes feel that the closeness has lessened. Perhaps it has to do with distance, less meeting up or communicating. Somehow it is not the same, speaking through the phone or email. The face-to-face contact is still preferable where we can go out together, talk together and shop together and eat together.



Maybe that's why I'm such a good client of MAS and AirAsia. I feel the need to be closer in person and this need for personal contact has become more urgent these days. A definite sign of growing older by the day! Not sure if there will be a tomorrow, I guess.

Tweet

Values...going...going...Gone

As time evolves, values tend to change. People have become more materialistic and many are trying to keep up with the Joneses. Often, in the race to get to the top, some do not bother who they have to step on or push aside. People get played out, friendships betrayed or trivialised in the crush, in the "dog eat dog" world of today.

Competition is stiff and getting more so. This is apparent even in schools, where children are urged to out-perform their school mates. They are rushed from school to tuition classes and extra-curricular activities such as martial arts, ballet, music, art classes, etc. etc. The majority of children of today are short-changed of their childhood. They do not have the time to enjoy their childhood years, where children should be out playing with friends rather than sitting in rooms plodding over work books. Where is the bonding time in families?

Mothers are busy chauffering their children to classes, going from point A to Z, trying to multi-task. Taking time to slow down and talking, playing with their children has often been forgotten. It's mostly " How many marks did you get..... Why not ...... How come your friend got more marks..... etc...you must have ....A's ...etc etc..that's why I pay so much money to send you to tuition...etc etc."

It's no wonder that children are frustrated, stressed out and often hostile. It's a wonder that they are coping at all.

I've seen kids who are sullen most of the time, withdrawn and unsociable. Children by and large are happy young people, very spontaneous in play and forthcoming.
However, not much joy can be seen these days. Small wonder if they are preoccupied with homework, tuition, performance, made worse by nagging parents.

Some are growing up without the basic courtesies such as saying "Thank you". "Please" or even addressing their elders respectfully. I think the tv has in part been a bad influence, especially the Cantonese serials where parents are addressed not with respect but often belittled or ridiculed. It may not have been intentional as the producers probably thought it a matter of "fun" or "playfulness" to address a mother as "old mother...." I dont even have the correct translation for the last word.

I have seen teenagers not addressing their elders at all even when they are guests. It is a Chinese tradition that the elders are addressed properly with due respect and as such, the form of address shows the relationship and status in the family. For example, your mother's eldest sister is addressed as "Tua Yee" and her second sister as "G Yee" etc. while your father's eldest sister is addressed as "Tua Kor" and second sister as "G Kor".

If you already have a child yourself, then your child will address your mother's eldest sister as "Tua Yee Poh", the second sister as "G Yee Poh". The "Poh" indicates the status of "grandhood" as in grandaunt or in the case of granduncle it is "Kong" as in " Tua Koo Kong", the right address( by your child ) for your mother's eldest brother.

This tradition of according the proper respect to elders appears to be eroding and the youngsters simply lump everyone as "uncle" or "aunty" which is incorrect and disrespectful. It is acceptable if you are not related to the elder. In fact it is a respectful address by people you don't know, the ordinary person in the street.

Malaysians are by and large, polite people who will address an older person as "uncle" or "aunty" which seems strange to Westerners. This address does not indicate relationship but is a polite form of addressing older people which is a good practice and to be emulated by youngsters.

I think we ought to maintain the traditional values of respect, especially in families and it is up to the parents to instil this into the young as they do not know better. The insistence of correct and proper address is a valuable tradition that ought not to die out as it indicates relationship and also fosters closeness.

I for one, would not be pleased if a nephew were to address me as "auntie" instead of "Tua Yee" for I would feel diminished, not regarded as a blood relative. It is not a case of being "old-fashioned" as the young are wont to say but my stand that such time-honoured traditions should be valued and preserved for posterity. We should not let indifference chip away our traditional values but ensure that the younger generation continue to observe them.

Tweet

Being a Mom

Those of you who are moms will know what it feels like when a child insists on doing something which you know could put him or her in danger's path.

This doesn't end at any point in life, not even when your child has grown up into adulthood.

This was how I felt when my younger daughter announced that she was off to Bali for a few days with her friends. She had been travelling to different parts of South East Asia and now she wanted to visit Bali and in December, of all time.

Do you remember Bali and the spate of bombings during one December when so many young people, out there for just a brief holiday, were killed by crazy zealots? Shivers of fear ran down my spine when her voice over the phone told me of her plans to go to Bali. I tried to rationalise with her that December wasn't a good time to go when there would be many Caucasians there and these would be targets of terrorism.

She merely said that everything had been arranged and paid for and she didn't think there was any danger as she and her friends weren't going around Christmas time.

What could I do? What could any mom out there do? I PRAYED that she and her friends would be safe, that the Almighty would cover and protect them during their stay in Bali and be with them throughout and bring them back home, safe and sound.

She returned last night. Relief flooded through me as she SMSed that she was in the train leaving KLIA and would take a taxi back home and that we needn't fetch her from the train station.

Her dad and I had flown into KL just to be there when she arrived home. Somehow I had to see her in person. Do you think it is silly and paranoid of me? Are other moms like me?

This was also the case when my elder daughter said that she and her hubby would be driving together with their two young children from Singapore to the East Coast of Peninsular Malaysia. I reminded her," But it's December, the period of monsoons and heavy rainfall and floods!" The newspapers had been full of daily reports of floods in the East Coast and evacuation of people to safer ground.

But my daughter was adamant. She said that December was the school holiday and that it was the only time they could travel. So off they flew to Singapore and then they drove to the East Coast ( Kuantan to be exact ) as planned. Yes, even as they flew off, my prayers went with them and I was very happy when my daughter SMSed to say that the journey was a very pleasant one, and that they had good weather except for one day. Praise the Lord!

Prayers DO work and I think moms' prayers are special to the Almighty because He always listens. The children He gave to us are also His children and we are here to fulfil our roles as parents, to nurture them and care for them always, even though they may already have their own families. Right?

Parents' roles do not cease the moment their children become independent or have started their own families. More so when a child is still single. I remember my father telling me that as long as any of us were unmarried, we were to stay in the family home. In his opinion an unmarried offspring is still a child.

However it's totally different these days. Children leave the family home when they begin working, especially when their work takes them away from their hometowns.

Where I now live, are homes occupied only by elderly parents as their offspring have left for the big cities where the opportunities are. It's the parents who go to visit their children every now and then as their children only return during the New Year family renunion which is once a year.

So as long as I'm mobile and capable, I will continue to visit my children. I'm blessed that my grandchildren live with me, and they only go away on holiday during the school term breaks and the year-end long holiday. They will be back after Christmas and the tree that they decorated before they left will be waiting for them, with all their presents under it. That is the moment I'm looking forward to, when they will come in the door and say "Poh-Poh, we're home!" Safe and sound.

Tweet

So Quiet it's Disturbing

Hi,

It's that time of year again...yeah.....holiday time, the end of the year when school is out and parents take annual leave and whole families flood the airports in a great exodus to their various meccas.

My daughter and her two children have flown off for their holidays and my spouse and I are alone at home.

Somehow it feels so different; a home without the young children is so quiet that you can hear a pin drop. It's almost disturbing so I've acquired the habit of putting the radio on, once I come downstairs. At least the voices of the DJs chirping away and the music they play cut the silence.

So there are less clothes to wash, there's no necessity to cook ( to cook for two is just too much of a hassle, especially Chinese cooking )and apart from gardening and watering the plants and housekeeping on the computer,there's little else to do.

My tv soapbox comes on only at 9:30pm so before that I try to learn a few things on the computer by going through the videos that I've downloaded ( at a cost, of course ). This is when time flies and I wish I have 3 heads (!!!) to cope with the amount of knowledge that I want to absorb. I know some people think I'm crazy...

My daughter's family are now on holiday on the East Coast of Peninsular Malaysia. Their holiday was a bit delayed because my grandson had an extra two weeks' school although the school had already closed officially. All the Chinese primary schools here insist that year 5 children going to year 6 in Jan 2010 remain in school for an extra two weeks to prepare them for the following year when they will have to sit for their UPSR examination ( a national examination ). Schools these days are very competitive. 0.01% difference in a mark could mean a ranking way down the ladder.
The year 1 pupils (ie year 1 in 2010) also had to come in for a 2-week orientation.

So you could see all the anxious guardians and parents milling around the school grounds and carpark waiting for the school bell to ring. Then it's hell let loose when the cars try to leave as quickly as possible, having picked up their little charges.

I thought those days were long over when my children were grown up but the cycle is repeating as my grandchildren live with me. We are truly blessed with their company at this stage of our lives and we get the joy of seeing them grow, right before our eyes, their ups, their downs, their development as they grow older.

Yes, we are missing them but the little ones are on Facebook, thank goodness, so communication is there. Facebook makes a difference to people's lives, I daresay. You can contact friends and family and catch up with the latest on their happenings.

The Christmas tree is up, the children having put it up before they left, so when they return, albeit after Christmas, their presents will be all there, piled under the tree.

The whirring of the fans, the 80's music on the radio (Lite FM ), the sound of the wind from the sea, the occasional boom of a plane landing, my spouse at the children's computer across the room, my fingers tapping away at my computer keys....these are the facts of life right now.

Tweet