May I have this Dance?

Many people put off doing something just because they didn’t plan for it or are too rigid to depart from their routine. They don’t like to drop things and go out with a friend who has just called up.

Have you experienced any of the following? When you called a sibling or friend and asked, “ How about going for lunch today?” and you would get the reply, “ I can't. I have a lot of work to do.” Or “ Some other time…. I had a late breakfast.” Or are you the one that gave similar answers in response to an unexpected invitation?

We often tell ourselves that “We’ll do this after we retire” or “ I’ll start a vegetable garden soon, when there is some rain.” How about this one? “ I’ll visit my sister when I find the time to check out the airfares and get the best deal.” Or “ I’ll call her tonight” and then promptly forget when your favorite t.v. show comes on.

Have your kids wanted to talk or have your siblings dropped by and sat in silence while you watched Astro or a show on television?

Time escalates as we get older. It was only a short while ago that we welcomed the year 2010 and now March is round the corner. The days get shorter, and the list of “ We’ll do this”, “ I’ll begin working on my project” etc., etc. stretches on.

Or are you the rare person who will jump at a friend’s invitation even though you hadn’t planned on going out that day? Will you say yes and drop whatever you’re doing?

I think we should not shy away from enjoying something without feeling guilty. Hang the clothes waiting to be ironed; forget the “things to do today” list. Go out and enjoy yourself!

You deserve to be spoilt every now and then. Don’t let life pass you by because you are too busy or cannot break the routine. “What life is this if we have no time to stand & stare?” (H.W. Longfellow)

Have you ever walked in the rain, lifting your face to the raindrops as they fall? Have you walked barefoot in the dewy grass early in the morning?

Have you listened to the birds’ songs and can you spot the different trills and melodies? Have your eyes followed a butterfly’s flight?
Have you sat and watched the sun go down and the day die into darkness?
Or do you slave at the stove or stare your eyes rigid at the computer screen?

Do you rush through each day, even eating on the run, not seeing what is around you? Not stopping by to chat or say hi?

When you lie in bed at night, what goes through your head? Things that you forgot to do that day? A list of “to do” tomorrow?

Remember, our time on earth is limited and all of us are on a journey. We all have an expiry stamp. We do need to slow down sometimes to listen to the music.
We don’t hear the music because we are too busy rushing through life. We often forget that life is not a race but a journey through different landscapes. Enjoy the scenery as we pass through.

So how about beginning right now and take time out from your busy schedules to say “Hi” to a friend? Don’t let friendships wither away just because you don’t have time to keep in touch. When you wait too long, you may not get the chance to say “Hi” anymore.

Don’t be like my friend who always said “ I’m snowed under” whenever he was asked to slow down and smell the roses. Now he cannot smell the roses. He’s not even pushing up the daises but has been migrated from his solitary Ivory Tower to a tiny sterile concrete niche among hundreds of others.

'Life may not be the party we hoped for… but while we are here we might as well dance!”

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Women, Oh Women!

What would the world be like without women?

Will there be any progeny? Women produce children but there has been a case where a man became pregnant and delivered a child. However, this man used to be a woman before he had surgery to change his gender but he retained the female reproductive organs. This was how he could get pregnant.

Will there be such a scenario where, in a world without any women, a man will be able to reproduce and only reproduce male off-spring?

Who knows?

In a world where women make lives more interesting,
where men engage in the pursuit of women since time immemorial and women (most of them) have the privilege of settling down with men of their choice, it is only right that women are to be respected and accorded the dignity that is due to them.

Yet in many places today, women are still considered as chattels, denied of rights, robbed of dignity and in some cases, brutalized and killed. These have been rationalized away as only barbarians and feudal chauvinists can.

Unfortunately, among some “civilized” societies, it has been deemed proper to cane women for illicit sex. In schools, corporal punishment is not meted out to female students, yet it has been executed on at least three women who were caught in “doing what comes naturally” under the circumstances they found themselves in.

Who has not been young and carried away by raging hormones? Who has not succumbed to emotions that cannot be controlled in moments of passion? Who has the right to sit in judgement on others? And, who gives that right?

Sex outside marriage is not condoned by any religion but human emotions are such that most of us, both the young and the old, will be carried away in the heat of the moment.

“To err is human, to forgive, divine” so the saying goes. Why not counseling, rather than corporal punishment that strips a woman of her dignity, puts her to public shame and ridicule? Is the punishment handed down because of sadistic pleasure, chauvinism, or to a certain extent, voyeurism?

We need to remember that “the hand that rocks the cradle rules the world”. Yes, some of the women may have been carried away by their partners in “crime” and had illicit sex, but so what? Isn’t this a phase that we all go through? It’s part of growing and learning so that later on when we mature, we bring to our relationships, a better understanding of what life is all about.

What about their partners in “crime”? They were not reprimanded or caned. Is there only punishment for the women? This speaks volumes about justice and the society that practices such double standards.

Women are to be loved, respected and protected, not degraded, not humiliated and certainly not to be beaten. Remember, man is born of woman.

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All the POLYs

I learned a new word the other day. POLYAMORY. Just by looking at the word I would guess it involves many loves since POLY refers to many and AMORY refers to love.

Polygyny is where a man has many wives while polyandry is where a woman has many husbands. Is it possible for a woman to have multiple husbands?


I guess so in these days especially but wouldn’t this also mean that she would have to conceal the presence of one from the others? That would be quite a feat to accomplish. I find it hard to believe that a man would be willing to share his wife with another, let alone a few other men.

It is a fact a man can be a polygamist without being frowned upon. In truth he would be envied by his brothers. In the past, the number of wives a Chinese man has, indicates his status in society. His wealth & standing are reflected in the number of wives and children he has. My paternal grandfather had 5 wives, many children and so many grandchildren that I do not know who my cousins are. My grandma was wife number 3 who had three children, of whom my dad was the eldest.

Apparently polyamory has evolved and the difference is its open relationships.
A man or a woman can have multiple loving relationships and there is no element of deceit involved. He or she has to be completely honest with her partners and let them know about the other relationships he or she is in.


For instance she may find intellectual stimulation with one guy and sexual gratification with another. She has to let both of them know that. It is said that one party cannot feel possessive about the other but instead, feel happy for her.

Is this really possible? Apparently the Star newspaper has interviewed a few people who are into polyamory and the finding is that it is possible and many people are practicing it. This is not just restricted to men but women are also actively involved.

On the other hand, platonic friendships have been around for a long time. Some will become more than platonic later while others remain at status quo.
However I believe that it is possible to love more than one person at the same time, not only because the people are different and have different qualities/personalities that attract you but also the relationships with those involved fulfill the different needs that you have.

However the more conservative people would not understand but will frown
on such and label you as immoral.Cassanovas and social butterflies or worse. Somehow the women come off worse.

With the younger generation who are more open-minded, I believe that polyamory will become more and more acceptable. It can work provided that there is complete honesty among those involved. There can be no exclusivity.

That said, I wonder human nature being such, if one can really quell feelings of jealousy or sublimate them when someone who matters to you is sharing herself /himself with others and I don’t mean having multiple sexual partners per se.
It could be for companionship, sharing of mutual interests, etc. Human beings tend to be possessive and want exclusive relationships when in love.
I guess when that situation arises, then it is time to opt out and return to monogamy.

The choice is yours to make, be it polygamy ( both polygyny and polyandry), polyamory or monogamy.

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Of Mediums, Seances, Dreams & Butterflies

Do loved ones who have passed on, return or communicate with us?

I’m sure that some of us at one time or another,have wished that we could communicate with departed loved ones. We wonder where they have gone, how they are and whether they are alright. One way is through a medium.

A medium is a person who is able to communicate with spirits of the departed and he or she does so when in a trance. I would like to share some of my experiences here.

I remember as a child, attending a séance in my late grandfather’s house where a medium was requested to invite the spirit of a departed relative to speak to us. All of us were seated on the floor while the medium was on a chair. She was in a trance and she was sighing.

Then she began speaking in a strange voice to all of us. She was able to identify who we were and also asked why some were not present. I remembered this clearly because I was amazed. She was a total stranger. How could she know our names? The older adults then asked her questions which she answered.

The séance didn’t last long and after she came out of her trance, I could see that she was very tired and she had no recollection of what had happened and what she had said.

Sometimes a departed one communicates through dreams. There was a time when I was in desperate need of a housemaid as I had a very young child and I was working. I needed someone to look after her. My family members could not help as I was not living in the same town. My late maternal grandmother appeared in my dream and told me where to look for a maid. The next day, I went to the market and asked one of the vendors just as my grandma had instructed.

True enough the vendor informed me of someone who was available and where I should go to get her. Granny had come to my aid in my hour of need.

Another occasion was when she appeared in a dream and told me that she needed a walking stick and a pair of spectacles and that she felt cold. I informed my mum of this dream. No questions asked and she immediately held prayers and burnt the paper spectacles, walking stick and thick sweater so that granny would receive them in the other world. The Chinese people believe that burnt offerings of creature comforts such as a house with all the amenities and house maids, as well as cars, etc will be received by our loved ones.

Sometimes they indicate their presence through scents.
A few days after my mum’s demise, I smelt a sweet fragrance in my room and glimpsed a subtle movement. I knew it was my mum who had come to “visit”. A feeling of peace and comfort came over me as I felt her closeness.

Another instance was at the funeral rite of my late father. My siblings and I were on a boat at sea, with my brothers committing our father’s ashes to the waves. Suddenly, out of nowhere a butterfly appeared and flew around us before disappearing.


Butterflies have significance for my family. When my two grandchildren, aged one and a few months old, first returned to Malaysia from the UK, we had a reunion dinner with the rest of the family. As we were walking into the restaurant, two butterflies flew in front of us, dancing and leading the way.
Instinctively I knew they embodied the spirits of my parents who were welcoming home their great grandchildren.

Thus I firmly believe that our loved ones are always close by and they do manifest in forms which we can recognize. Sometimes they may appear in our dreams. So while death do us part, our spirits will always be close and it is only a matter of time when we will be re-united in the other dimension.

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If Only...

If Only…

These are the saddest words one can utter. Don’t you think so?

Just think back of any experience you’ve been through at the end of which you uttered or thought about these two words.

“If only I had not given him permission to ride his bike to school, he would still be alive…” were the words uttered by the little boy’s mum, after he was knocked down and killed by a school bus.

“If only I had said no, I would not be in this mess now…” could also be another person’s experience. For example, you had some money and a friend begged and cried, asking you to lend her the money. You knew well that this friend already has a reputation for borrowing money and a poor record of returning the loans, yet your soft heart gave in and you lent her the money. Now you yourself are in need of money and you asked your friend to return the money you lent her. She came up with another sob story and deep in your heart you know you have to kiss goodbye to your money. If only…. You repeat over and over again but to no avail..

If only I had not made the wrong decision…… but how do you know at that time, whether or not it was the right or wrong decision? Hind sight is always 20/20.


Some say that once you’ve made a decision, you should stick to it, regardless of whether it was the right or wrong one. But once you make a decision, can you undo it? Let’s say, if you have sent in your resignation letter and it has been accepted, can you go back and say you have changed your mind ?

Some decisions can be reversed but mostly, it can’t be done. There is then the rest of your life to regret over it. This is especially true in relationships.

Once you have damaged a relationship whether by deed or words, it will never be the same again. You can patch up but the cracks will still be there. There will be a certain degree of reserve, a holding-back or you may feel that you have to be very careful about what you say and do each time you want to open up. This makes it hard for both parties and the relationship will die a natural death.

Worse still, if the other party is no longer around for you to even try to make amends…. if he has passed on…. I know that when one is young, one tends to make a pact with one’s friend saying
“ If you die first, you must come back and tell me what it’s like.”

In life, does this ever happen? Yes, you may have dreams of that person, you may feel a presence, but there is no communication. Perhaps being in different dimensions, the communication is not possible. On the other hand, there could be communication but we can’t receive that transmission as the airwaves, so to speak, are different.

I’ve had dreams myself and there was some form of communication but all too soon the dream ended, with more frustration at my end… with more “if onlys”.

Some people believe that mediums can communicate with loved ones on the other side but how far this is authenticated, is anyone’s guess. There are many charlatans about and one doesn’t like to be made a fool and lighter in the wallet.

More on mediums when next we meet…

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Procrastination

I was going through an old notebook and I found something which I had written ten years ago. It is still very pertinent and I wondered that I could have written it down.

I had been reading the Bible and had written down this:

“If you wait until the wind and the weather are just right, you will never sow anything and never harvest anything.”

“Procrastination is the Thief of Time” so the saying goes. How true it is that we make excuse after excuse not to do something, saying that there is always a tomorrow and we can do it tomorrow.

We wait for the right time, the right day before we take action. It is human nature, after all to rationalize the lack of action. What we don’t realize is that time goes by all the same, whether we do something or not.

If we choose to while away the time by doing nothing useful, time still goes by. If we choose to do something useful, we will have a product by the end of that time, be it cookies, a story, a poem, or a painting.

What makes procrastination worse, is that as we age, we tend to be forgetful. We may have decided to put off a chore till later only to forget it completely so that chore never gets done.

I’ve been guilty of that. How many times have I said that I would call a friend in the afternoon, after lunch, only to forget it when the afternoon rolls around. Sigh….. and I didn’t even realize it until days later, that I meant to call. By that time, it didn’t seem right to call then, as days had passed by and somehow, it didn’t seem to matter any more.

On the other hand, “…the firstlings of my thought shall be the firstlings of my hand…’[apologies to Shakespeare’s Macbeth if the wording is not totally accurate], could bring undesirable consequences if we are to act without first considering the outcome of the action.

So with the advent of the Year of the Tiger, I will do my utmost to forget about procrastination and do what I have to do.

One trick is to write down a list of the things that you need to do the next day. Then as you complete each task, you can cross it out. At the end of the day you can then see how much you have accomplished. That which was not done, will have to be carried forward to the next day. { That’s why we have diaries!!}

This will be more systematic than relying on the memory which often lets us down.

So let’s be happy
and do the best we can while we are still alive for no one knows when his hour will come. We should enjoy what we have worked for and look on it as a gift from God. Everything has been ordained by God. There is a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to keep and a time to throw away.

Let’s throw away the bad memories, the bad things of the out-going year and keep only the good things, the good times and the good memories. As we spring-clean our homes for the New Year, so too we should spring-clean our souls and our thoughts.

As we bid goodbye to the Year of the Ox, let it carry away the bad.

Here’s to a fresh and new beginning in the Year of the Tiger! Let’s not squander it away for we don’t know how much time we have.

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