Run Where You Please

No one expects you in your senior years to run……anywhere. Physically no…. you can’t really run, not like the younger ones who not as fleet of foot as the youth, can still run to work up a sweat.

But mentally or emotionally?

Yes, you can run, as far as you want. In your imagination, you can run in fields, along the beach, wherever you fancy. You are only limited by the boundaries of your imagination.

However, an elderly person who has been abandoned, for instance can choose to run, in his mind, to a place where no one can communicate with him. He presents a calm exterior, his expressionless eyes reveal nothing. His face is impassive. He doesn’t talk, he doesn’t smile. Physically he is there and yet not there. He functions mechanically. Who knows what he is thinking or if he is thinking at all.

If you have done all you can for your family, given them all you have and then have them abandon you to the mercies of Life, if you were to think of their callousness, their ingratitude, surely “that way madness lies” as King Lear realized when he found himself in the untenable situation of being cast out into the storm by his ungrateful daughters to whom he had given everything.

It is not an exaggeration to say that many elderly people have found themselves in such a situation, that of being brushed aside after having been milked of all their assets.

To avoid such a situation it would be prudent to be selfish and to retain your assets for yourselves so that you can be independent and live the lifestyle you choose in your old age.

Once your children have become adults and are working, you are not beholden to provide for them anymore nor to give them handouts or monetary assistance even if there is a request. You have cared for them all their lives. Now it’s your turn to relax and enjoy your golden years in ease. They have to make their own way and learn to fend for themselves, just as you had to when you were young.


Whatever you still have left, after your demise, can be given to them as stipulated in your will. So enjoy your hard-earned retirement and live the way you please. It’s time you indulge yourselves. Run where you please.

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Missing Someone is Painful

Have you ever missed someone so much that you actually feel physical pain?

A piece of music, the words of a song, a picture….any of these triggers memories of that missing person and tears spring unbidden to your eyes. Do you recognize this situation? Have you experienced it?

It doesn’t have to be death that separates you and your loved one. It can be geography if you live in different parts of the world. However, this is not a permanent separation because you know that you can always meet up, time and finances permitting.

It can be a breakup of your relationship. If it is a longstanding relationship of more than a couple of years, the pain can be sharp and unbearable.


There are many reasons for breakups. Incompatibility even after a few years, a third party enters the relationship, disputes, misunderstandings, etc., etc. The list goes on.

Walking away from a relationship is hard to do but many have done it.

Some have not looked back but moved on while others may have decided to give it another try. They will have to work out their differences and resolve the issues that lead to the breakup.

However, death is final. There’s no way to hit the “rewind” button to give yourselves a second chance. The separation is forever and it is a shattering experience, especially if you have unresolved issues. This is what makes it so hard. This is when you feel a part of you died along with that loved one.

You grieve, you hurt, you feel the unkind cut of losing that person so unexpectedly, without the chance to even say goodbye. For death comes when you least expect it.

Can you come to terms with this loss? The cliché says that time will heal all wounds. Maybe, maybe not. It all depends on you. Memories will linger, some will fade, some will be cherished and be indelible. It is good to remember the good memories and to forget the hurtful ones.

However, if death is not in the picture and you feel you want to salvage your relationship but do not know how to go about it, allow me to make a suggestion. This will help you in more ways than one and you will relish the magic of making up with your loved one.

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Growing Old Which Way?

There are two ways of growing old that we can embrace.

One is to accept that it is part of the life cycle and to grow old gracefully, with the attendant sags and wrinkles. The other is to resist the advance of age and its ravages over time.

So on the one hand we see seniors with thinning grey or white hair, portly girth and fine lines etched on their faces.

Their aura of dignity comes with age and experience. Youth who have been brought up correctly, accord them the respect due to their age.

On the other hand, we do see some seniors who in their desperate bid to stay the signs of advancing age, try to belie the facts and as a result, they more often than not, come across as “mutton dressed as lamb”.

They can be seen sporting the latest fashions meant for the young and affecting behaviour more suited to the teens. Heavy make-up, hair dyed and coiffed in the latest trend, tottering on high stilletoes or wedges, often leave them open to smirks and nudges as such attempts fail to camouflage successfully the signs of aging.

The affluent ones go for body sculpting, Botox, nips, tucks and facelifts. Punishing workouts, near-starvation diets all in the name of restoring youth and pushing back Time are what consumes them.

The question is, how long can they keep up with this? One can get addicted to this, going under the scalpel over and over again ( check out the celebrities ) until the limit is reached.

However, one fact seems to have been overlooked. No matter how well surgery has helped to disguise your real age, your hands will give you away. My dad once said that if you want to know a person’s age, look at the neck and hands. Well, the neck can be tautened these days but the hands?? Something to think about.

Meanwhile, here’s to aging gracefully!

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Brother Peter Phelan -"Miss Me But Let Me Go"

The day that a requiem mass for the late Bro Peter was held in the Stella Maris Church in Kota Kinabalu, I was en route home from Hong Kong. Thus I missed attending the mass. However a dear friend kept a copy of "Down Memory Lane with Bro Peter Phelan" for me and I would like to share some of the contents with all the old boys and friends who did not have the opportunity to see him or say goodbye to him.

Bro Peter was born in 1934 and came out to the Far East at the age of 20 in 1954. His first posting was Hong Kong. In 1963 he was transferred to La Salle, Kota Kinabalu to teach and he taught Geography.

When he retired, he taught for a year in a private school in Keningau before he founded the hostel Butitin in Nabawan, in the interior of Sabah. In the words of Bro Charles O'Leary, " he inherited nothing but shacks in Nabawan but when he left, he left the place a mini Educational Complex bordering the jungle and equipped with up-to-date modern buildings, dormitories for boys and girls, study rooms, computer rooms. The complex now houses, feeds and cares for some 70 boys and girls, mostly from the Murut community."

The poem, written by Bro Peter was found in his bedroom desk drawer and I would like to share it with all of you. Even as he knew his time was limited, he was still selfless and thought about those he would leave behind. This is his final poignant message to all of us who knew him.

Miss Me But Let Me Go

When I come to the end of the road,
And the sun has set for me,
I want no rites in a gloom-filled room,
Why cry for a soul set free?

Miss me a little but not too long.
And not with your head bowed low
Remember the love that we once shared,
Miss me but let me go.

For this is a journey we all must take,
And each must go alone,
It's all a part of the Master's plan,
A step on the road to home.

When you are lonely and sick at heart,
Go to the friends we know,
And bury your sorrow in doing good deeds,
Miss me but let me go.



Let us hold to his words of wisdom and remember him for the kind and caring person that he was. He would have been 76 on March 31st.

Adieu Bro Peter. You have run the race and finished the oourse. Rest in peace.

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Of First Love and Others

”It is better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all.” Many people would subscribe to this.

The word “lost” may be taken in different ways. You can have loved a person and lost her to another beau or to death. You could have lost because of negligence or just a taking it for granted attitude.

The pangs of first love are never obliterated, even when you move on to new loves. I don’t know how many will agree on this.

First love is the sweetest for you cut your teeth on those emotions that rollercoaster through your days and nights. It hits you between the eyes in the flush of youth amidst fluctuating hormones.


Some people are lucky enough to marry their first loves while the not-so-lucky ones may chalk it up to experience, a phase they go through and then move on to other loves.

Even then this experience of first love is indelible, stored somewhere in the memory bank.


Sometimes, a song, a smile or even a certain flower or food may trigger that memory and bring back emotions long buried....sigh!

When you lose a person you have loved dearly, be it to a third party or to illness and death, the loss is traumatic. Coming to terms with it can take a long time. Some people never recover from it and their lives, more often than not, change for the worse. There will be those who retreat into their shells and others who lose their grip on reality and end up as alcoholics, drug abusers or suicides.

When a loved one is gone, you realize what you have lost. You may regret the things that you never got round to doing with that person, you may regret the unhappy episodes that took place between you.

Is it still possible to recapture that which was lost? Maybe, maybe not.

If death was the robber, then you have to move on and in time, rebuild your life.

If a third party was the gatecrasher, what can you do?

You would have to evaluate the situation. If you think that the embers of your first love can still be re-kindled, then strategise to win back your lost love.

Those of you who may need some ideas can check this out.

It is quite common that over a long period of time, romance fades from your relationship. This can happen to couples who have been married for a long time.
Attending to the responsibilities of bringing up the children and carving out a career and home building, it is often the case that couples do not have the time or energy to romance. The early sparks die out and a mundane routine existence sets in. Over time, the relationship becomes that of housemates and something is lost.

What can be done to revive this “staleness” in the relationship?

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Goodbye Brother Peter

Today there was a short news article about the passing of a La Salle Brother, Peter Phelan.

It was only yesterday while we were having tea that my good friend informed me that Bro Peter who had been our colleague as well as school principal for a short period in La Salle School, Kota Kinabalu, had returned to Ireland because his cancer was terminal and the doctor had said that he was weeks away from death. Having spent the greater part of his life in Sabah, he wanted to die in his homeland.

At that time, we didn’t know that he had actually passed on, a day ago.

According to the press release given by another Brother, Brother Peter was accompanied home to Ireland on 18 Feb and he passed away on 27 Feb.

He was a shy but charming man with grey blue eyes that twinkled when he smiled. He used to teach Geography. A strict disciplinarian, he was always fair in his policies. He didn’t have to raise his voice when angry but his eyes were like chips of ice and he spoke very softly when angered. Nowhere did we see any evidence of the fiery Irish temper.

Nonetheless the naughty boys were afraid of him and gave him the nickname of Kojak, a one-time famous television character, the bald-headed police officer who always got his man. Brother Peter was by no means bald but I guess it was the way he carried himself, a very stern looking man who brooked no nonsense from erstwhile students.

To us teachers, he was a very understanding person, kind and compassionate. All of us had the highest respect for him. He would go out of his way to help if you had a problem. I remember him giving me a lift to the nursery to fetch my little girl and then sending us home when my car was in the workshop. How many school principals will do that? This is just one example of his kindness.

Unfortunately, the hot weather in Kota Kinabalu did not suit him and he developed skin cancer. This did not stop him from continuing his work. He transferred to the interior, to Tambunan where the weather was cooler and suited him better. He was principal of St Martin’s, a La Salle brother school and later went to Nabawan, also in the interior of Sabah where he founded and ran a hostel, La Salle Butitin, for rural students who would otherwise have to walk miles in order to get to school. According to Datuk Brother Charles O’Leary, Bro Peter “fed, boarded and educated hundreds of boys and girls in this deprived area in Sabah.”

Bro Peter gave unstintingly of his best to the children and the native community in Sabah and it can be said he gave his life in service of the poor and the under-privileged. I remember him driving down in an old pickup every weekend without fail to get supplies for his “children” in the interior, the journey each way taking many hours of hard driving on unsealed roads as well.

He also did research and authored two books entitled “Headhunting and the Magang Ceremony in Sabah” and “ Traditional Stone and Wood Monuments of Sabah”.

Your life’s work is done, Bro Peter. You are truly a giant among men. You have touched many lives, including mine. Rest in peace and may the Lord bless you and keep you. May his perpetual light shine on you.

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